I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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