Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
