How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
