Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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