The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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