i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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