My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
