I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize