She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
