this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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