How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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