I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
