Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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