Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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