scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
