I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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