look no pants
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
