I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize