i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
