I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
