six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
