Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
