Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
