Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You dont lie about slip and slides
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize