I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
