just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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