Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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