i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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