Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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