Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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