I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
BRING THE BAGELS
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
