I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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