She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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