So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
its not stalking. its research.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
