Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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