I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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