at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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