tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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