saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
