I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we're making bets on your personal life
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
