Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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