I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's the barista slut.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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