Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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