I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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