My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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