yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
