You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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