Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
