What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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