Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
