this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize