Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
