just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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