I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
