K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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