You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
