I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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