I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
These tits shall not be calmed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
