k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
