Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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