I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
