does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize