Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
