im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
