Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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